March 26, 2018
Mar. 26th, 2018 03:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sleepyfairy Last night, I ended a friendship.
It was a very, very difficult decision. It feels almost like a break-up does, except there's no romantic component. I just feel very sad, and lonely, and I don't really know how to go forward with a change like this.
Early last year, around this time, I befriended someone on WoW. It was a chance encounter in a walk-up roleplay that ended with our characters hitting it off and chatting really well. It was fun, and the player seemed pretty cool, so we started interacting more and more both in roleplay and in general game-play. Eventually, our characters began dating, and entered a relationship. The RP was at a peak, and I enjoyed it.
I never knew much about the player behind the character. I learned that he was a he, which is fine, because I don't really care who someone is behind the screen as long as they are good at writing and don't ask me invasive questions (as has been my experience with many male roleplayers, but I chose to give this one a shot since he seemed okay). I learned that he was in the US Navy, and was 23. He never talked about his own views much, and I chalked that up to being in the Navy and being contractually not allowed to say anything negative about the US government (additionally, he never said anything positive either, which is part of what made me feel safe). In hindsight here, there were some red flags that I should have picked up on and bailed, but hindsight is 20/20.
He opened up to me about some things, such as how he has anxiety related to recent weight gain and has panic attacks when his heart rate goes over a certain number. I was patient and gave him some advice on dealing with anxiety, advice that has helped me in similar situations. I also opened up to him about my depression, and when he asked why I distrust men, I told him a very short summary of my childhood sexual abuse. He was sympathetic.
All that changed when he was discharged. His reasoning, he told me, is that the base was overstaffed, so they were beginning to let people go. In hindsight, I don't completely believe that. His demeanor began to change. He began to more openly talk in open support of the US military and suggested that they should just bomb the middle east and be done with it; he started to talk about how women in the military "make up" rape accusations all the time to get money (again, knowing full well of my history with rape and sexual assault and how I didn't want to ever talk about anything related to these subjects); how women in foreign countries would sleep with men to get pregnant and get child support; he would talk about how the Black population in the USA was a cesspit of drugs and gun violence; he would talk about how fat people are drains on society who should be culled (knowing I am a woman with PCOS dealing with obesity as a result of that).
But I was entrenched. I wanted to walk away and end the friendship a long, long time ago, but each time I tried, he turned it back on me, how I was being unreasonable, how my far-left feminist views were dangerous and clouding my judgement, how "[he] has feelings too" and I was overreacting, how I was attacking him for no reason, being overly judgmental. He refused to engage with me on my level, always expecting me to keep a "neutral" tone and lack emotional investment in issues that affected me personally (not something that most people can do unless they have no tangible stake in an issue), and would take any show of emotion of mine as an automatic win for him.
Eventually, eventually, it just began to wear me down. I felt like he had no regard for my well being or opinions, I felt like an emotional punching bag. Even our RP stopped, he didn't have any investment in it whatsoever. So after an intervention with some friends, I finally managed to shake him.
He did everything he could to get me to stop, to get me back, but I said no. If it wasn't for my two friends, I probably would have let him bully me into submission again.
I feel oddly free. I don't know what it is, but despite me being sad as I held out for the longest time hoping he might change, might get better, he never did, but I feel like a weight has been lifted.
And yet, I feel sad. I'm conflicted. But I think I did what was best.
It was a very, very difficult decision. It feels almost like a break-up does, except there's no romantic component. I just feel very sad, and lonely, and I don't really know how to go forward with a change like this.
Early last year, around this time, I befriended someone on WoW. It was a chance encounter in a walk-up roleplay that ended with our characters hitting it off and chatting really well. It was fun, and the player seemed pretty cool, so we started interacting more and more both in roleplay and in general game-play. Eventually, our characters began dating, and entered a relationship. The RP was at a peak, and I enjoyed it.
I never knew much about the player behind the character. I learned that he was a he, which is fine, because I don't really care who someone is behind the screen as long as they are good at writing and don't ask me invasive questions (as has been my experience with many male roleplayers, but I chose to give this one a shot since he seemed okay). I learned that he was in the US Navy, and was 23. He never talked about his own views much, and I chalked that up to being in the Navy and being contractually not allowed to say anything negative about the US government (additionally, he never said anything positive either, which is part of what made me feel safe). In hindsight here, there were some red flags that I should have picked up on and bailed, but hindsight is 20/20.
He opened up to me about some things, such as how he has anxiety related to recent weight gain and has panic attacks when his heart rate goes over a certain number. I was patient and gave him some advice on dealing with anxiety, advice that has helped me in similar situations. I also opened up to him about my depression, and when he asked why I distrust men, I told him a very short summary of my childhood sexual abuse. He was sympathetic.
All that changed when he was discharged. His reasoning, he told me, is that the base was overstaffed, so they were beginning to let people go. In hindsight, I don't completely believe that. His demeanor began to change. He began to more openly talk in open support of the US military and suggested that they should just bomb the middle east and be done with it; he started to talk about how women in the military "make up" rape accusations all the time to get money (again, knowing full well of my history with rape and sexual assault and how I didn't want to ever talk about anything related to these subjects); how women in foreign countries would sleep with men to get pregnant and get child support; he would talk about how the Black population in the USA was a cesspit of drugs and gun violence; he would talk about how fat people are drains on society who should be culled (knowing I am a woman with PCOS dealing with obesity as a result of that).
But I was entrenched. I wanted to walk away and end the friendship a long, long time ago, but each time I tried, he turned it back on me, how I was being unreasonable, how my far-left feminist views were dangerous and clouding my judgement, how "[he] has feelings too" and I was overreacting, how I was attacking him for no reason, being overly judgmental. He refused to engage with me on my level, always expecting me to keep a "neutral" tone and lack emotional investment in issues that affected me personally (not something that most people can do unless they have no tangible stake in an issue), and would take any show of emotion of mine as an automatic win for him.
Eventually, eventually, it just began to wear me down. I felt like he had no regard for my well being or opinions, I felt like an emotional punching bag. Even our RP stopped, he didn't have any investment in it whatsoever. So after an intervention with some friends, I finally managed to shake him.
He did everything he could to get me to stop, to get me back, but I said no. If it wasn't for my two friends, I probably would have let him bully me into submission again.
I feel oddly free. I don't know what it is, but despite me being sad as I held out for the longest time hoping he might change, might get better, he never did, but I feel like a weight has been lifted.
And yet, I feel sad. I'm conflicted. But I think I did what was best.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-28 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-04-01 02:44 am (UTC)